An off-the-cuff review of TENNESSEE

What they are known for: Past glory. Tennessee used to be good…honest. But even now, they are known for their mercurial ability to play at the exact level of their opponent. For example, in back to back weeks during the 2006 season, UT won by one point of a shitty Air Force team and then lost by one point to eventual BCS champion Florida.

What they should be known for: Insane fans. Everyone knows at least one Tennessee fan and that fan is not to be approached during UT games. You should not allow small children near him during games because they may be kicked. Also, the Volunteer Navy is pretty freakin’ cool.

Face of the Program: As many of you know, ESPN is running a face of the program series in which the all-mighty Worldwide Leader tells the fans who is the face of the program. Their choices are, as the kids say, wack. Seriously, they picked Ralphie as Colorado’s face of the program. Anyway, here is who should be the face of the program:

Phil Fulmer. Now, some of you might say it should be Peyton Manning or even General Neyland. But, alas, Fulmer is the real face of the program. Who hasn’t seen this Fred Thompson look alike with his face contorted like he’s trying to drop a deuce during a Saturday evening ESPN game? Besides, Peyton is now too commercially viable and Neyland is way too dead to be the face of this proud program. Second place: Erik Ainge for playing 18 consecutive seasons for the Volunteers. He will be missed (by opposing teams).

Schedule: This is the MOST overlooked indicator of how a team will perform.

Sept. 1, 2008 at UCLA - Loss. A SEC team going west. Hey, UT went west just last year and lost after crushing Cal the year before. I would like to put in something historical about SEC teams traveling for out-of-conference games against big teams, but I can’t because they fight over who gets to play THE Citadel. So, I’m going to proclaim that SEC teams suck when playing out of the NASCAR region. Thus, UCLA in an upset

Sept. 13, 2008 UAB – Win. UAB had a good run in the basketball tournament a couple of years ago.

Sept. 20, 2008 Florida – Loss. UT plays Florida tight at home. But, Florida is too tough.

Sept. 27, 2008 at Auburn – Loss. UT and AU hate each other…or is it Alabama that hates them. No one really cares except for alumni of these schools. Thus, not a real rivalry.

Oct. 4, 2008 Northern Illinois – Win. NIU got a new coach this year. Good for them. Good for them to get hammered by a pissed off Vols team.

Oct. 11, 2008 at Georgia – Loss. Did I ever tell you the time that I went to a UT-UGA game and got lost at Sanford Stadium. Boy, that was a blast.

Oct. 18, 2008 Miss. State – Win. The Croom era is not as good as originally thought.

Oct. 25, 2008 Alabama – Win. Bama continues to underperform despite undeserved praise.

Nov. 1, 2008 at South Carolina – Loss. USC will be tough. So will South Carolina.

Nov. 8, 2008 Wyoming – Win. No one will watch.

Nov. 22, 2008 at Vanderbilt – Win. This is a big rivalry. Up there with Ohio State-Cincinnati, Michigan – Eastern Michigan, and UCLA – San Diego State.

Nov. 29, 2008 Kentucky – Win. UK will never win this game until they surpass Navy’s futility record.

So there you have it, 7-5 and a lower tier bowl. Take that one to Vegas since I spent about 3 minutes thinking about the entire section.

New Recruits: William Outstanding does not really care about your recruiting class for two years. I know your team has some studs coming in, but they aren’t going to carry you to the title unless their name is Tebow….so stuff it.

Key Player to know so that you sound smarter than you are: Eric Berry – Safety – Dude can bring the leather.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HkG4UD-yNc